*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
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This could’ve been an email.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.