Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”

Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.

Them: Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu-
Me: Oh problem, definitely
Them: That wasn’t…it was a rhetorica
–
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is

one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.

I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy

October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.

I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.

#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes

People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?

Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?

There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t

some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday

DAD: please help find my daughter

DETECTIVE: what does she look like

DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW

[In Bed]

Her: You feeling spicy tonight?

Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.

You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people

Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time

I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.

I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.

Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to

ok I’ll buy 10 boxes

Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy

Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no

me: psst, wanna see a dead body

nurse at my first surgery: no

*Goes to Vegas casino

*Steps out of limo

Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?

Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.

I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.

Dm: Hi

Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?

ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing

HER: no I just said that I do pilates

ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land

teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number

me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that

Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.

I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.

How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table

*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses