Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
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I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
Rude much 😂😂😂
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
Used makeup concealer on a zit with an artistic precision that would rival da Vinci.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Canada’s plan to take over the US is coming along nicely.
They sent down cold & snow to places that almost never get it.
Well played Canada, well played.
Telling my son he can’t stay home from school for no reason even though when I was his age I’d blow dry my forehead and tell my mom I had a fever.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Butt weight. There’s more!
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad