Punctuation Matters. Period.
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Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
Welcome to parenting — the only hobbies you have left are the ones you can do in the bathroom.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
nicknamed my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic