Punctuation Matters. Period.
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ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
just got off an incredibly depressing and frustrating phone call with my evil health insurance company who actively wants me to die, time to take a big sip of coffee and check the news
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Instagram is going to be wild when Millenials start scheduling their colonoscopies.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
I’m the guy that pushes on a pull door then leaves because I think the door is locked.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
