Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
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Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Sleepy cop goes undercover, under blankets, onto pillow, next to teddy bear.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.