Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
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mfs be saying “feb” cause they can’t spell februawary
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
They should build a separate grocery store for people who have actually purchased food before, know how to push a cart, and possess at least an ounce of spatial awareness.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.