Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
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Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
Replace all HR departments with fight clubs
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
these two trucks have the same bed length
Neither of my kids likes boba, so I fear that they will not fit in with all their peers who seem to be singlehandedly keeping the 14 boba places in business within a mile of our house
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
Only people who grew up before the internet will remember these: spelling, grammar and punctuation.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.