Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
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“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
A book written by and for chickens is called a bok
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
when movies add that accordion music to scenes set in Paris, they’re actually trying to cover up the fact that every cafe in the city is constantly blasting songs from Now That’s What I Call Music! 4
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.