Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
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You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone