Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
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[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.