[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
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Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
bragging about how I’ve “really turned my life around recently” without mentioning in which direction
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Current mood: Potato
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
Just been down the cafe. Good to see Margo’s letting bygones be bygones.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
4 Mesh Shirts That Will Make You Look Like A Sexy Little Asian Pear
7yo: Want to know how I got so good at math?
Me: Yes.
7yo: I found out there was a calculator on my watch, and I pretend to read the time in class now.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
There’s always a random piece of broccoli in my Chinese takeout. I want to call them like “who put you up to this? My mom?”
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
In case anyone was wondering if I’m this bad in real life too
