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* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
dinosaurs are always described as “roaming” the earth which is patronizing as hell i bet they had places to go and important shit to do
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
I should be able to make a divorce registry at Target.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron