Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
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People who have a protected account but comment on tweets, I have one thing to say to you:
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
I’m not saying I order from Amazon a lot, but I just received a wedding invitation from my delivery guy…
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
“Dad, what’s a forklift?”
“Food, usually.”
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
Thank god I grew up with stuffing because if I’d never heard of it before and someone showed up to my house as an adult with wet bread and celery casserole my first instinct would be to beat their ass