Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
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*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop.
I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
sisyphus was lowkey stupid just pushing that boulder over and over again 🙄🙄🙄 anyway this is the 15th time i reset my password this year but i do not need to write it down because this time i will for SURE remember it
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Only three things are preventing me from becoming an Olympic gymnast: balance , strength, and getting out of this beanbag chair.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
My what?
