Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.

Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office

2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.

I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.

Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.

– me receiving an invitation of any kind

We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”

Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.

Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.

Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children

My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.

I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.

But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.

I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you in public.

10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”

10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.

ㅤ

professor x: what’s your super power

owl: terrible memory

professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?

owl: who

it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us

Sandi: “I watched a guy do 50 pushups. Could you do that?”

Me: “Hell yes. I’m pretty sure I could watch him do 100.”

Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”

-911 what’s your emergency?

-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.

Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.

me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough

him: sorry, but—

m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?

h: *sighs, pours*

m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please

h: now may I go back to giving communion?

I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”

Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*

New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.

Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.

Dear Satan,

God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.

Love,
Me

Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions

Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.

I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…

OMG, I ATE THE TOY!

I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.