purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
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I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Me when my alarm goes off
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.