purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
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[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.