Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.

Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs

I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.

I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?

therapist: why do you do that

me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me

Carefully cropping the username off a popular reddit meme and posting it here with the caption “all right who made this?? 😂🤣😂”

A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.

Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃

Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:

1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?

The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”

Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.

the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead

ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them

Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.

You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.

OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE

Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.

Today marks 3 years since I sold my red fridge on Gumtree, under the listing ‘RED FRIDGE’.

When the buyer arrived, he asked for £50 off because he “didn’t know it’d be red”.

Here’s the picture I used for the ad.

Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.

Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!

*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip

Be yourself because I’ve already taken Oscar Wilde.

My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.

If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?

“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”

“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”

Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.

#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.

since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin

I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like

me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!

me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!

The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case

me: my back hurts

doctor: have you tried voting