Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
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*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Whether you rip off a bandaid quickly or slowly, I find it’s best to ask the wearer’s permission first.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
They’re stuck in your pants?
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!