Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
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The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
We don’t deserve birds.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
My kid convinced my husband to get her trail mix without the nuts and the dried fruit, so I confiscated the bag of m&ms and ate them myself
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.