Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
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[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Our power went out and it’s utterly humiliating how many times I tried to turn on the light so that I could find the flashlights because the power was out
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
he chose this
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
they say humans share 50% of their DNA with the banana. for some of you i think that number is even higher
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
have we given a name to earth’s mini moon? may i suggest moon deng
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them