Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
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the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
🏙👨🏼
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.