Haha some loser’s car alarm keeps going off
*pushes button on keys*
*alarm turns off*
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
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T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Help I’m being murdered!
“Can you put the murderer on please”
“Gotta hear both sides”
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
In Hell, someone is constantly vacuuming while you’re trying to explain directions to an old man.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
“Hey, your fly’s down”
*pets fly’s head* you’ll be alright little buddy, chin up.. we’ll get you some new wings