@TheBoydP

Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.

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@turtledumplin

Haha some loser’s car alarm keeps going off

*pushes button on keys*

*alarm turns off*

@HomeWithPeanut

T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.

T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?

T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.

@PaperWash

if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito

@DanMentos

“Hello, 911”
Help I’m being murdered!
“Can you put the murderer on please”
what
“Gotta hear both sides”

@KalvinMacleod

BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder

@AbbieEvansXO

Him: [sneezes]

Germs: ATTACK!

Her: bless you

Germs: RETREAT RETREAT

@Pepperoni_Salad

Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”

@murderbytweets

In Hell, someone is constantly vacuuming while you’re trying to explain directions to an old man.

@Sparticus_af

cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: can you just shoot me please

@KeetRidley

“Hey, your fly’s down”

Oh shit..

*pets fly’s head* you’ll be alright little buddy, chin up.. we’ll get you some new wings