Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is

*brings whipped cream to bed*

Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?

Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?

Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today

My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”

For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.

Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love

People fear what they don’t understand:

Change
Death
4th grade math word problems

Netflix is doing a new show about a “psychic” who specializes in reading famous people. Y’know, the folks who do in-depth interviews and reality TV shows and write autobiographies.

“We never met, but somehow, he knew everything about me!”

Gee, how does he do it. So amazing.

what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti

I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.

rest in peas

Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.

While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!

My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house

[taking my date for a walk in the woods]

HER: this sure is a dense forest

ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell

3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.

Me: What does my hair look like?

3: Like stupid.

She gets her tact from me.

I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.

landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent

me: can you tell my boss that

A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.

I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.

Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?

Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.

where the womens at?

accurate

You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel

You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.

[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there

I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume

Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”

I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.

What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.