*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
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Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
I was doing a family shoot and asked the kid (8) to step out the frame so we could get a shot of the parents kissing. The dad is kissing the mom and the kid goes ‘it’s been a long time since I’ve seen them do that’
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
now is it just me or does this dress look like she’s making pasta from scratch.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
This election could drag on for days. Unless someone captures the Snitch, then it ends immediately.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Video games don’t cause violence, but they do teach you that it’s important to always loot the corpse.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
can’t talk my ride’s here
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.