*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
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Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
I put a NEW DRIVER sticker on my car so people will have mixed emotions when I cut them off.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
*dangling legs in the ocean*
🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.