*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
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a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Lmao
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”