*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
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Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Are we still doing “hot girl summer”, cause I’m really trying to make “raccoon girl summer” happen
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.