Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I’m breaking up with you

Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?

Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.

Me: No oh 🙁

I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.

If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.

Katy perry I have listened to your new song backwards and I understand the mission. Sleeper cell activated

said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it

Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.

In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.

Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here

Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period

I gave up going to work for lent.

My 7yo said she was a vegetarian & asked for a salad but then complained she wanted chicken on it but “NOT TOO MUCH chicken” because she’s a vegetarian but then she ate the chicken too fast so she’d “actually like more chicken” but “only on salads because I’M A VEGETARIAN.”

My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.

*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM

not for long

In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale

Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.

Me: *jumps in front of a car*

Her: Dear, not deer.

My soul floating away: Craaaaap.

[rubs lamp]

[genie appears]

genie: you have three—

me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!

genie: seconds

me: what

genie: two

me: until what

genie (pulling out a gun): one

F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.

Next day

F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.

[First day as a hacker]

Boss: what’s taking so long?

Me: adobe needs updating

I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.

I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?

Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer

Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.

Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.

I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy

I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings

Mario: you’re a dinosaur.

Yoshi: ok.

Mario: you can jump really high.

Yoshi: nice.

Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.

Yoshi: makes sense.

Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.

Yoshi: wait-what?

Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.

This was the best day of my life

Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]

Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America

GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is

ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal

GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good