Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?

you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”

Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.

It’s the redoucheflex

I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.

それは草

waiter: say when

dracula: ven

other waiter: haha say it again

[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”

JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school

ME: i do not relate

JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs

ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking

I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter

[At job interview]

Interviewer: Do you have a police record?

Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette

*hires me instantly

Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?

Superman: Um obviously.

Batman: Think about that for a second.

My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.

Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.

me 2 months after i graduated

“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”

-guy who discovered milk

Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.

Welcome to middle age.

Only one nostril works

Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is

Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories

[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out

Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.

If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.

I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”

My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???

*pokes sex life with a stick

ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]

[ever so slightly later]

ME: [dying from massive blood loss]

ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?

MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe

Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one

cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]

I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.

Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:

Other dads:

Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes