purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
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TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.