*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
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[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.
“the best laid plans of mice & men oft go astray” sure but i bet mice are bringing down the average
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.