Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
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My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
When I am served half an egg at a restaurant,
I wonder to myself:
Who has the other half of my egg?
Two strangers;
Living their lives;
Sharing an egg.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
If Brussels sprouts can be bitter and celebrated, so can I.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Patron approaches the reference desk.
“Does the library have COVID tests?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have masks for the public?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have gloves?”
“Yes. My turn: do you have COVID?”
“Yes.”
“Well good I’m glad we’re both bringing something to this exchange.”
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Me: I can forgive but I’ll NEVER forget
McDonald’s cashier: Again Sir, I’m sorry we left you a nugget short in your six piece meal
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat