Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
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Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Sing it!
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
two people or more is called a problem
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.