Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”

Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.

4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!

Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.

4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.

I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.

The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now

CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?

SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.

Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.

If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.

Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs

Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.

Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)

In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.

I like my coffee black just like my sabbath

So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.

When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.

[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”

Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.

Vader: I AM your father.

Luke: Why are you telling me this now?

Vader:

Luke:

Vader: I need a kidney.

If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.

me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines

me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff

How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.

Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.

I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.

my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .

My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie

The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.

Me trying to “trust the process”

GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller