Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
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“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Just this preview of the story is enough
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.