Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
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I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
mood
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word