push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
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I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Your honor my client doesn’t like jail
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…