push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
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To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
😭😭
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[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
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HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.