Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.

*Cleans house*

*looks at family*

“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”

[Psychiatrist’s Office]

ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?

PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.

drew a comic about my origin story

I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.

You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.

Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet

I’m afraid to be cremated and have the whole place smelling like honey BBQ and bacon

One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.

Halloween decorations are expensive. Ghosts will re-decorate your house for free 👻

Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.

My kid said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.

My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.

an octopus is just a wet spider

The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.

Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.

Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?

Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country

do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?

> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend

It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution

Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*

Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?

Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel

JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.

I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.

5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?

*racks the chamber*

Life hack: if you run out of treadmill space for your clothes get a piano

dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people

*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*