Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
You Might Also Like
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
Just got revenge on someone who wronged me 6 Years ago. Never be Relaxed ever. I’m coming
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good