Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why

Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.

I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother

Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE

God: Come see this.

Angel: What is it?

God: It’s the human lifespan.

Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!

God: Fun right? Watch this.

Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?

God: I call it, 35.

Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.

I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me

I want to meet the individual who made this

They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.

uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou

Kid: I’m starting to think you love your garden more than us.

Me: Wow. That’s. Just wow. I mean… *glances back at plants to make sure they’re not listening*

These people at work keep interrupting my naps.

How my wife saves money:

Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.

Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?

*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*

I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.

Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go

*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*

Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?

banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients

Her: We need to talk

Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?

Computer: Choose a password.

Me: 9Df6akt86lpd

Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.

Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.

Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-

Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion

i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol

I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache

So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯

Defeating imposter syndrome by actually being incompetent

friend: promise you didn’t get me a beeper

me: [from a distance] just open it

I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.

I spoke to my husband earlier

He seemed quite nice

found my next D&D character name