Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I could totally take Beethoven in a fight even if he wasn’t dead.

My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.

11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?

Me: 12

11:

Me:

11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –

Me: choose your next words wisely.

I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose

Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.

He runs Facebook.

I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.

I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.

Hundreds, nay thousands of movies about falling in love but only one movie about a beach that makes you old

“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”

-my excuse for everything

Cashier: What does your tattoo say?

Me: It doesn’t talk.

Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?

Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.

Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.

Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked

Me: I’m so tired.

Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.

Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!

[at home on video conference call]

Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.

*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*

Apparently there is a mountain high enough.

Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.

extrovert: *answers unknown number*

introvert: *googles the unknown number after sending it to voicemail*

I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away

*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape

[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]

Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32

Me: shit

I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.

Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.

5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.

dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.

I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.

“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?

The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.

I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.

I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.

Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*

*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.

Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?

The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.

Hell. No.