Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
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*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
when all you have is a rotisserie everything looks like a chicken
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
it’s finally my moment to shine
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
All. The. Damn. Time.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.