Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
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Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
whenever I look up and see a security camera, I like to imagine there’s a guy in some secret control room somewhere in europe who calls his boss on his little headset and says “we’ve got him, sir. he just entered the south hall at the chipotle on main street”
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Got talking to a girl last night, asked her name. She said everyone calls me Vivaldi. I said is that because your a great Violinist.
She said no, it’s because my names Viv and I work at Aldi.😳😳
Those who believe in only 12.5% of the bible are eighthiests.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
*when the villain in the movie has a PhD*
Viewers without a PhD: Ah, they are just saying he’s a smart villain. Makes sense.
Viewers with a PhD: Ah, grad school and academia drove him to madness. Makes sense.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that