Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur

Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t

[mall]

Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.

*looks in purse*

*waves at testicles*

Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!

M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.

H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.

M-

H-

M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.

Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.

I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.

This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.

Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.

Stools: OK!

Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.

Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy

Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…

…for the 22nd time.

*adds pineapple to your lasagna*

I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.

me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?

[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet

Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.

-thug life

This is what it sounds like when cats cry

– The inventor of bagpipes

GOD: Done.

ANGEL: What is it?

GOD: A penguin.

ANGEL: So it can fly, right?

GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.

ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?

Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.

Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do it

Requesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it

[First Date]

*staring up at the stars

Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”

Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”

*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops

*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business

Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.

interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?

me : …so I can pay my electricity bills

1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life

DATE: how do you know that

*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET

I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.

Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?

Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.

Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds