Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
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If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
“Preventative care” means something totally different during parenthood. {moves glass of orange juice away from edge of table}
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie