Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.

Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars

I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken

When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.

Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.

*watching any crime show*

He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.

back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts

We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.

BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…

If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly

Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.

In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.

In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.

4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.

In dog beers I’ve only had 2.

I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.

Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.

It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.

U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg

Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good

God: you’re a mosquito.

Mosquito: what does that mean?

God: you feed on blood.

Mosquito: i’m a vampire?

God: no.

Mosquito: oh.

God: you can fly.

Mosquito: i’m a vampire!

God: no.

Mosquito: oh.

God: garlic repels you.

Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!

king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store

How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?

I tuxedo what I tuxewant.

*the night I met my spouse*

Me: I don’t usually do this.

*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*

Me: I don’t usually do this.

I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.

date: I like to tell dad jokes

me: does he laugh?

date: what

me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]

him: [on deathbed] NURSE

If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.

judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever

jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam

judas: yo what the f

Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning