Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k

me: *gets up* ok see you then

Are we still doing “hot girl summer”, cause I’m really trying to make “raccoon girl summer” happen

BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!

ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie

None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead

A collection of me turning into random objects.

I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.

Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”

Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”

Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.

2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.

Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.

Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?

[arguing w girlfriend]

Her: I feel like we have communication problems.

Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.

But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.

Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.

When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”

I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings

My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.

Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games

[going on a first date in the cool part of town]
HIM: did you have trouble finding the place?
ME: omg nooo i seriously come here all the time. this is my regular spot
SIRI: *from inside my bag, volume 10* YOU’VE ARRIVED

Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.

Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”

Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken

Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.

Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone

Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry

Doctor: You need to listen to your body

My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL

Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions

[Space]

No one: I can hear screaming

*Calling from the bakery

Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”

Her: “Surprise me!”

Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”

Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news

Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.

If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile