Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Executioners flirting:

You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!

People with pretty privilege?

You mean the gourgeoisie???

My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”

My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account

Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”

It could be worse.

You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.

I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair

[watching Disney movie]

Daughter: this movie is dumb.

Me: why?

Daughter: the bad guy just told the good guy everything he was gonna do through song.

Me: yeah lol.

Daughter: when I’m a villain I will simply not sing my evil plan out loud for all to hear.

Me: smart-wait what?

Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?

What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?

bro what is going on at twitter

Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.

Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.

MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH

HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it

[First day as a mortician]

Me: Anybody seen my grapes?

[Later]

Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird

next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night

ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]

You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”

Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle

4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad

Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.

[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”

[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”

I identify as an antique shop.

Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?

Me: Apples!

*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*

I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.

“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.

I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.

If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.

I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point

Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”

The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.