Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents

me: *entering the ocean*

ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?

I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.

my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued

This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people

I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.

My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.

My type is 12 pt Helvetica.

What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:

“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”

My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.

Breakfast is weird at my house.

My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work

He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”

She said: “What? Like…today?”

None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.

GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?

ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this

Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.

Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.

I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.

[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad

Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.

The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.

i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.

If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.

[restaurant]

ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday

WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house

ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or

[face down in a bowl of hot soup]

WAITER: is everything ok?

ME: could I get a spoon or something

you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?

What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed

me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux

penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]

me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size

So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child