Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[inventing video games]

i wanna be lazy but with a purpose

Harry Potter Diss Track

Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?

That eye roll….

me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island

Wife: you mean deserted?

Me: no

I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.

At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.

The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.

That earthquake could have been an email.

[at a racetrack]

DATE: Which horse are you betting on?

ME: I don’t have a horse in this race

DATE: That’s fair

ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track

insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time

Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all

My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.

I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape

I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.

Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.

I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.

Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?

Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.

People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.

Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”

Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.

Leftover Pie:

“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”

The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.

I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants

-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you

6 year old: if you were an adult just like now, so you were you, but you were a little kid in my kindergarten class would you know all of the stuff you know now or would you just be learning everything like we are?

me: did you eat any of the gummies in my toolbench?

[my coffin lowering into the grave]

wait guys shouldn’t I be dead

[coffin starts lowering faster]

Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.

Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.