Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?

“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.

And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.

Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.

me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one

customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon

me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member

Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.

Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?

Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”

If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!

[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work

My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”

[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?

BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep

if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.

Doctor: I have your test results

Me: did I pass hahaha

Doctor: hahaha you will soon

Me: haha what

Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?

The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.

Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7

Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.

Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes

welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds

Trying to imagine being the first swimming pool designer to hear a client say “Yes. Like a kidney. Exactly.”

I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.

If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.

ME: what came first the chicken or the egg

FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you

A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.

My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.

She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.

Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.

I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.

My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick

5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday

Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.