[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
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Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
What do you call a place where you can purchase bootleg horror movies?
A spook-easy.
#dadjokes
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
I love when other parents ask me how old my kid is and then say “that’s a good age” like at some point am I gonna say a number and they’re gonna say “oh damn that sucks?”
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings