[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
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[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.