Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.

ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.

I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.

[Lou Bega voice]

One, two, three four

[Proclaimers voice]

five hundred miles

Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing

*flash forward*

Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe

Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?

My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?

Me:

My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?

Me:

My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?

No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.

I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.

[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME

When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear

*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*

People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.

You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.

“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.

Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”

I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges

Doctor: Describe your usual day

Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat

Doctor: Okay I see the problem

Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or

Vacation Summary:

I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.

I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro

I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat

Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that

Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv

My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.

Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.

Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?

Me: I’m not sure.

Her: Is that other guy her brother?

Me: Maybe?

Her: Haven’t you been watching this?

Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.

picking up knife:

picking up knife in movie: *SHING*

Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.

Me: Orders takeout.

My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?

Me: Um, can you be more specific?

Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments

Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-

Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call

If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?