Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[assigning roles]

god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth

sun: sounds good

god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves

moon: hell yes

[showing off scars]

ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember

HER: that’s your bellybutton

doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived

I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.

I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed

I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.

I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.

Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED

Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.

[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?

Raisins are grape jerky.

*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*

Me: I lost 35 pounds today.

Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?

Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?

Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!

My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!

Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.

HR: Can you explain why your drug test shows incredibly high levels of THC?

Me: Tennessee Hot Chicken? Yeah, I eat that every time I get high.

What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.

Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.

cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly

ME: I want to take long walks with you.

HER: Aww…are you a romantic?

ME: No, I don’t have a car.

this made my day 😂

hacker: ready?

weapons guy: I was born ready

[25 years earlier]

doctor: it’s a boy!

midwife: where did he get nunchucks

“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*

Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?

her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much

me: *points at coffin* well not everyone

Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.

[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]

Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.

Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.

Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.