Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad: Which highway did you take?

Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff

Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]

Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”

Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.

My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”

My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.

“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”

At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.

Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?

[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job

Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love!! They just opened up a cheesecake sample cart at Costco

I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?

Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.

Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”

It’s like 10,000 Tupperwares when all you need is a lid.

If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.

Water: can you do me a solid?

God: sure *turns it into ice*

With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.

Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.

And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️

I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.

For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…

Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.

Live, laugh, lie to the doctor about how many drinks you have per week

I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point

Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information

Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.

Sometimes you need to hug someone out…

…cold.

Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.