Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?

I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either

FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?

ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.

Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.

“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.

7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.

Me: They’re just like French fries.

7: Then give me French fries.

There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.

Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.

Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —

Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!

Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost

Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:

1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed

Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.

friend: i just had an edible

me: you can just say food

How did you break your leg?

[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.

That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.

Jesus: one of you will betray me

Judas: *surprised pikachu face*

“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”

ME: I lied in my interview.

BOSS: what was the lie?

ME: all lies. except about my aunt.

BOSS: she wants to party with me?

ME: big time.

I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.

haha same

Door dash is the closest thing I’ll ever experience to being actual royalty like bring me a dozen freshly made donuts and a bottle of your finest bourbon!

But your majesty, it’s 9:30 at night and…

I said be quick about it!

Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable

[family dinner]

my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren

me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.

me: sorry we’re late

st peter: what happened

grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic

I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?

Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.

The Sun’s probably Asian.

I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.

when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”

So my rum and raisin cake is gluten free.

It’s also raisin free.

And cake free.

OK it’s just rum

Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.