Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul

God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.

*walking into store*

Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*

Marriage level: Expert

“now i’ve seen everything” no you haven’t. have you seen a frog drive a submarine? shut up

[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day

When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..

Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?

˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı

My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.

I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.

Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.

[Farmer’s market]

Me: One of your finest farmers plz

Farmer: That’s not how this works

Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own

we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.

we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed

“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP

In-person meetings at the office are a wonderful way to help your developers take a break from being productive

[at movie theatre]

Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it

If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.

Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.

cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food

Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.

Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?

Me: *sprints up stairs

Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?

Me: this is so us

Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating

Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow

Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?

The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.

i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults

I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.

We are going to watch tv.

I like my men well-rounded

and sweet

and rich

and available

and covered in sprinkles

wait a minute…

that’s donuts

I like donuts

I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.