*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
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“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Once again not all heroes wear capes
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.