[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
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Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Why everyone forces introverts to be talkative and get out of their comfort zone, but no one forces extroverts to shut the fuck up even for a minute so the zone becomes comfortable.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
These kids today have it made. When I was growing up and there was a natural disaster, we’d have to go outside and spread our misinformation in person.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
