Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean

Me: I’m not delusional.

Squirrel: There she goes again.

You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?

One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”

found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.

Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.

Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.

Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.

Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”

I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me

[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.

For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.

#topahole

“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.

*draws a line in the sand*

*looks at the line in the sand*

*decides that it might be time to vacuum*

Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.

These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.

To everyone I’ve wronged this year. Next year same time same place

Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.

me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house

son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me

me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books

“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”

Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.

the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand

I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.

Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.

Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.

Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.

You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.

Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”

Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”

I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.

*gently puts my sense of humor in rice*