[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
You Might Also Like
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Telling my son he can’t stay home from school for no reason even though when I was his age I’d blow dry my forehead and tell my mom I had a fever.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
[I walk into my girlfriend’s house where she’s dressed like a cheerleader]: oh sorry you’re watching the game I’ll come back
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…