Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?

If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.

Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.

“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing

I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers

“you live and you learn” brother I don’t want to do either of those things

my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???

[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt

I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.

Me: you’re leaving me?

Her: [walking out]

Me: is it all of my-

Her:

Me:

Her:

Me:

Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses

Me:

Her:

Me: -dramatic pauses?

girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music

My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.

Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.

We take our 40% off sale seriously at

[2000]

Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice

Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*

Sheriff: can i help you son?

Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?

I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.

If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.

I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”

SISTER: i’m engaged!

ME: awwwwwwwwewwww

SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there

ME: …no

[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]

Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.

There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.

My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.

I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.

9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”

9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”

I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.

Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.

genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no

I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.

You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.