Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.

You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!

Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me

Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-

Me: *glares*

Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.

I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.

No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.

Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.

She turns 15 on Sunday.

13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?

me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.

how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year

Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues

Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE

I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair

Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.

[china shop]

Bull: *walks in*

Shopkeeper: oh no

Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager

Shopkeeper: OH NO

how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on

my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015

I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!

If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.

if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie

Omg like wtf
-me, praying

I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.

The old gods are rising again.

Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.

When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.

Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”

If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.

It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.

IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE

I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.

Ground control: He says he loves you very much

Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?

Teacher: Name the continents

Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…

T: Go on

Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?

T: *sigh*

Me: South Arctica?

I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.

Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD