*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
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IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
banker: you’re spending more than you bring in
me: god forbid i’m good at something
The news: Let’s ask a random idiot on the street what they think.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!