Put a bar inside Home Depot you cowards.
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*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
My next door neighbor invited me to a party at his place, but he’s creepy, so I didn’t go. The next day when he asked why I didn’t show up, I couldn’t think of an excuse, so I said I couldn’t find parking. He just nodded and said “Next time, take a Uber.”
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
was going to buy this diversion safe but realized somewhat ironically that the only thing of value to my name is a can of hormel chili
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
A really good magician could be living in your house and you would never know.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
I should be paying way less taxes if I’m supposed to “save democracy” this often
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.