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The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
OMG 🤣🤣
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office