Put a bar inside Home Depot you cowards.
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Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.