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The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
So glad we cleared that up
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Uh oh 👀
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?