Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
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My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
can they shut down Teams instead of tiktok
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Raisins are grape jerky.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?