Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
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Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Brilliant!
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Oh boy, $150,000!
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
constantly working on myself.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.