Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.

A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing

6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?

Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.

I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*

impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.

I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?

Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.

Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.

A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.

just left a huge legacy in there

Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”

Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.

Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones

Me: how’d you get out of the casket

Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.

The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.

My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.

I have a pun about carpentry.

but Im not sure if it woodwork…

[job interview]

Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?

Okay

Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.

*bursts into a bank*

EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME

*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out

bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century

the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.

Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?

Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.

1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.

2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.

You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.

I just need to go ahead and admit it.

I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho