Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.

My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.

OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.

ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.

2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans

People: *freaking out*

2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.

People: lol ok

I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.

3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!

Me: You ate all your chips.

3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.

Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.

[after the flood]

noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends

god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow

noah: that doesn’t really help

god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends

I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.

Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job

Willy Wonka:

My dog barks for 2 reasons:

1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.

*me looking at a police lineup*

Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.

Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.

I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.

Telling everyone I’m an undecided voter bc I need the attention

had to share :’)

[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *

[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit

Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?

Asking for a friend…

…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker

“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies

but if i put my laundry away, the laundry chair will be out of a job

Me: I miss the good old days

Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?

M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit

W: I despise you

Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood

[in court during a murder trial]

hotdog vendor: HOOTTT DOOGGG

me: right here

I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.

[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:

David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.

4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9

I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.

President The Rock Obama

When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.