Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
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If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
good for her
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait