Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
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Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
“soooo little update I’m kinda seeing someone..” — me to my psychiatrist about the tall shadowy figure in a bowler hat in the corner of my room
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
gm
