Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
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Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Told my mother-in-law I liked her shirt and four days later she gave it to me, so now I’m thinking I’ll compliment her pearl necklace set and see what happens.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Him: It’s going to be in the mid-70’s tomorrow. What should I wear?
Me: I don’t know…bell bottoms?
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
My sister in law texted the family chain this morning “prime rib” completely out of the blue and not a single person has responded.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
I was an ugly baby.
It’s been downhill since then.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.