Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
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This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.