@splegge

Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys

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@_elvishpresley_

Me: I’ll have the steak

Waiter: how do you like it

Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet

@DurtMcHurtt

[laying on the hood of a car, gazing at the stars]

I bet zebras make piano sounds when you pet them.

@TEXASVETERAN

A person dies every 3 seconds. How can a person die that many times?

@crocodilethumbs

God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones

Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?

God: eh you’ll figure it out

@Chumpstring

[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper

@Megatronic13

Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*

Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*

Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*

@beefman138

If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”

@pixelatedboat

You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products